Lately I have been sad. Lately I have felt failure. Lately has been just in the new year. 2011 is not suppose to start like this. Here is why it has felt bad for me. Although being a lover of God, I shouldn't allow these feelings to set in.
1. I can't even harbor a child. I lost two. I haven't been able to conceive since. It may not be in God's plan for me and I need to accept that.
2. I lost 8 lbs. I turn right around and gain back 4. It is going to take me forever to lose the same 4 I had originally lost. I don't loose at a normal rate. I am lucky to loose 1 lb a month.
3.. My house is always dirty and always broken. I live in it about 98% of my time. I am sick of it and can't seem to tackle the problem or make it go away.
4. I can't seem to get everything done in a day. Enough said.
I have always been a tough love kinda gal. I seem to wanna just deal with it when sometimes I just need to give it to God. I want to just get off my hind end and do something about these problems. However these problems never go away for me. I am really a tough love kinda gal on myself. As a matter of fact, finding love for others isn't something I have a huge problem with. Although I am constantly working on coming across in a more loving less harsh way. Goodness, I prayed about this and it seems the opportunities to practice this ability have triple and quadrupled. Thank you Lord. I am just not sure that I am passing this task.
I love my family very much and even find that loving my enemies isn't as hard as I once thought. It gets a bit easier everyday. God helps me through this. Loving myself, however, is not something I have been able to do. This battle has been fought and lost year after year. Can I truly love God if I can't love myself? He made me after all. The Bible says "Psalm 139:14 (CEV)14I praise you because of the wonderful way you created me. Everything you do is marvelous! Of this I have no doubt." I also know that God gave his only son because he loved us so much.
I feel that everything I do, Satan is laughing at me and saying, "hahaha, you didn't finish that one did ya. You have to start all over." I hate starting all over. When I have to start all over, I feel like everything I did was for nothing. I feel like a failure. But I know this is a lie.
A funny thing about my life. I always talk to God best in the shower or in my bed. Several weeks ago, I was told to go to my secret place and find God. He will meet me there and comfort me every time. I know I can pray anywhere anytime but my most fervent prayers are always in those two places. The other day, Sunday to be exact, I was feeling another failure day. This time my clothes were uncomfortable and my belly was tender. No excuse but it is what was going on. I took a shower. I stepped into the shower and let the hot water rain on me. I wanted the worries and discomfort to wash away. I began to pray. I felt the Lord tell me He loved me. He also told me that He is always giving out do overs. He never sees them as failures. He gives them to the least of people; drug addicts, drinkers, prostitutes, liers, abusers, thieves.....OK you get the point. So why is my little problems so big? If God can give so many second chances, why can't I give my self another shot. I can start over. It is ok. and by the way, He loves me.! Romans 8:5 But God showed how much he loved us by having Christ die for us, even though we were sinful
This is what happens when you pray in the shower. Then you go to church and hear how God loves us. Then you get blessed so much that you dance, cry, laugh, and clap. I just couldn't control my praise. Nor did I want to. He loves me. I can start over. My failures are gone. They are just learning experiences. I will start loving myself. He deserves all my praise. There will be no more room for my self destruction because He loves us.
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