Freedom.

I was feeling pretty crummy this morning after a discussion (plus tears) with my husband. I have a huge problem with editing. I should have went to college for this but I figured to make the big bucks, I would need to move to New York or California and I didn't want to move away from family.. Anyway! He had asked me to read one of his devotions. He has been writing quite a few and they are very good. However, he didn't want me to edit it. He said some things in a joking matter but considering these "jokes" have had some sting behind them lately, I was hurt. I normally shrug off these jokes because this is who I am. I can't seem to leave bad writing grammar alone. I have always been this way, I love to write. It just seemed this morning that this character trait I possess is bothering him after 8 1/2 years of marriage. What is the deal this time?

I began to cry and suddenly don't wish to read his devotional. I yell back, "When will anyone accept me the way I am, big and bold? If you can't do it, then know one will." He leaves to the sanctuary of our bedroom. He is tired and can't think straight. I just woke up and can't think straight. Better to leave this alone for now and come back to it later. As I sit in front of this writing of his, I began to cry and pray. I plead with God for everyone to leave me as I am. I want to be accepted and not change anymore for anyone else. I have had so many changes to myself in the recent months that I don't even know who I am. If I don't know myself anymore, how is anyone around me going to love the new me. Then I hear my Father tell me, "I love you just as you are. But I am changing you for your own good and to do my work. Accept yourself and the changes I am causing with in your soul. Then all things will fall into place. Daughter I love you. Be yourself within Me." I open my eyes and look toward Heaven. "Thank you God!"

Then I decide to read my email. In my inbox was a devotion from Proverbs31 ministries. It talks of freedom. Oh how I long to be free! I have been a child of God my whole life but never have I truly been free. I struggle with a few things as we all do. I know that God is changing me for a better reason. He is changing me to be free to live for Him. Ps 119: 45 says "I walk about in freedom from my body weight, my bad self image and self condemnation, and from control, for I have sought out your precepts." Oh Lord, do I want to walk about in freedom. The author goes on to say, " Freedom is my word for 2011, a word I want to truly understand. A word I am defining for me as unconfined by human limitations and my self destruction, free to be an expression of my amazing God and his perfect love." This is my prayer too.

I want to be free from self condemnation and bad self esteem. I obsess over my weight and I have allowed it to hold me back for the kingdom of God. My husband and I just accepted a calling that we felt a while back. However, Satan has been attacking me severely with thoughts like "How can you lead a church when you can't lead yourself. You look awful and no one is going to want to come to a church with an ugly fat worthless and angry minister's wife." Sounds so silly, doesn't it, to believe these lies? However, they have been such a stronghold over me for many years, even from childhood. I hate living this way and pray for FREEDOM. These changes within me are to get me to freedom. I want to one day yell as loud as I can, so the whole world hears, "God set me free. I walk around in freedom."
I also want to be free from control. I don't like to give up control. When family and friends around me do something that could harm them or put them into a deep whole, I get angry. I want to make them do things the right way and so I get irritated. It isn't my place to be their parent or judge. I need to let God work in their lives and let God work in mine. Galations 5:1 says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourself be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." This is the work God has for me. No longer do we need to be a slave to our problems. Change breaks the bonds of slavery, time and time again.

I need to remember that God loves me for me. He made me wonderful and God doesn't make trash. I leave you with this verse today. Thank you God! Thank you and I love you!
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! Psalms 139: 17-18